Because I’m a nerd, I thought it would be a good idea to spend part of my night seeing if I could make my honey cashew-coconut butter smoother by putting it back into the mini food processor (don’t judge…lol).
Sure enough, after 4-5 minutes of hard work on the part of my mini, it took on a velvety, liquid smooth texture. I couldn’t help but take licks here and there as I was scraping down the sides….
I decided to have a nighttime photo shoot showcasing my nut butter’s new lush texture.
As I scraped my newly smooth honey cashew-coconut butter into its container, I sampled a bite….which led to another bite….which led to me rummaging around in my pantry for that last hunk of dark chocolate which I decided I would use as a dipping agent (for lack of a better term) for the nut butter.
It was when I was chomping down on this dark chocolate and contemplating my next dipping agent for the cashew-coconut butter that I realized I was on the road to something unhealthy…
So here’s where I’m going to type something that I don’t like to admit about myself.
I have struggled with binge eating in the past, and I know that that tendency still resides within me to this day. I am a perfectionist of the first order, and my inclination whenever I “slip” with my diet is to say “to hell with it….I’ll just eat whatever and however much I want the rest of today and start over again tomorrow.” Over the past year, I’ve come to the realization that this sort of thinking is seriously misguided. I always end up feeling guilty and terrible about myself in the end if I just give in to the binge urges. I know this, and yet at the same time, I still fall prey to it on occasion.
As I sat there with my nut butter container open, I knew I was at a crossroads of sorts. I could choose to go bananas, find whatever “dipping agents” I wanted, and go to town on my nut butter….or I could choose to say no. I could choose to admit that I had too many spoonfuls of nut butter, but that my past behaviors wouldn’t define my actions in the next minute or the next ten minutes or the next week. I could choose to let myself be less than perfect. I could choose to forgive myself for whatever errors I felt I had just made with my eating.
I took a deep breath and put the container down. I fastened on that lid, and said no. I love myself too much to let food have that kind of control over me. I love myself even when I’m less than perfect. I love myself because I’m less than perfect. Because I’m me.
It’s hard for me to write about this, but I just felt that it was important to show whoever reads my blog that I struggle. I am not a perfect eater even though I like to think that I eat healthy for the most part. Mistakes happen; life happens. How you choose to react to those mistakes, in my opinion, is what truly defines you.
In the past, I know I would have kept on eating. But now, as difficult as it was, I stopped it, and I am proud of that. I went to bed happier because I knew I made a choice that was consistent with my body’s needs.
I started this food blog to keep me accountable in my efforts to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I am here to show you my food choices at their best and at their worst. I will give you the good, the bad, and the ugly in the hopes that other readers afflicted by binge eating will know that you are not alone in your struggles. I’m happy that I am able to articulate my thoughts about this matter through my blog to a community that cares. I sincerely hope that my thoughts might one day help someone else when they’re struggling like I did last night.
Last night was a challenge for me, and I’m happy to say that I overcame it this time. I know I might not always do so…but for now, I will take this victory and march onwards with my chin held high. I will accept my imperfections for what they are; I will make each choice count.
Whew….well, with that said, here’s a picture of my breakfast for the morning.
I felt like a SIAB to start my day off on the right foot.
In this bowl was:
- 1/2 frozen nanner
- 3 handfuls of spinach
- 1/2 cup soy milk, 1/2 cup water
- scoop Chocolate Amazing Grass
- 1T chia seeds
- 1/4 cup Coach’s Oats
- 1/4 avocado
- 2t honey cashew-coconut butter
- 1t Justin’s peanut butter
- 1T Bear Naked Fit Granola (really yummy!)
The textures and flavors in this bowl were fantastic. The addition of the avocado makes it thick and creamy, just like I like it. I doubled up on my “fat” today with the nut butters and avocado because I want to make sure this breakfast lasts me a long time. I’m going down to New London (again) to see my cousin graduate from the Coast Guard Academy, and lord knows when I’ll actually be eating next.
I enjoyed my SIAB with some cwah-fee (as always).
Gotta get running!
Question for you: Have you ever had a situation where you felt like overeating but were able to talk yourself out of it? What strategies do you use to make it easier to say no?